How to Receive, Interpret, Implement, and Reject Feedback

I hate receiving feedback. Yes, I know that feedback is the only way we grow. The problem is that some of us are terrible at providing helpful feedback. We use the wrong tone or the wrong words.

But that’s not the issue with feedback we’re here to fix today. The issue we’re going to work on is that many of us are poor at receiving feedback.

I used to be a poor receiver of feedback. I couldn’t get past negative feedback, which to me was any feedback that didn’t make me feel good.

Positive feedback is great, of course. It makes us feel good and acknowledges all the hard work we’re doing. But genuine growth comes from constructive criticism. From the feedback we don’t want to hear. Feedback that causes us to change an aspect, or many aspects, of ourselves.

True change comes from discomfort, and negative feedback causes a lot of discomfort. Especially when poorly delivered.

No matter how poorly delivered, we need feedback. That’s why we’re going to improve our ability to receive, interpret, implement, and reject feedback. Together.

But first, here’s the TL;DR for this article:

1. What Causes Our Resistance to Feedback?
2. How Can We Process and Grow from Feedback Effectively?
3. Conclusion

What Causes Our Resistance to Feedback?

We’re resistant to feedback for a couple of reasons:

First, it’s because “…feedback triggers us: Our heart pounds, our stomach clenches, our thoughts race and scatter (Thanks for the Feedback).” Recognizing those triggers can help us change our reactions to feedback.

Second, it’s because we spend time wrong-spotting during feedback sessions and become angry at “terrible” suggestions. Monitoring when we’re doing this can help us switch to difference-spotting.

Third, feedback can be delivered to us in vague labels that confuse the message. Learning how to ask clarifying questions about feedback can help us combat this.

Fourth, feedback can hit our blind spots. Learning how to spot those blind spots to let more feedback in can fix this issue.

Let’s start with how feedback triggers us.

Feedback triggers us

Thanks for the Feedback identifies three types of feedback triggers. The first trigger deals with feedback we feel doesn’t ring true.

Truth triggers

This occurs when feedback is perceived as inaccurate, unfair, or unhelpful. Instead of accepting the feedback, we reject it outright, focusing on why it’s wrong or unhelpful rather than on its potential value.

Example

Miles Davis wanted to deliver a little truthful feedback to John Coltrane. It’s a great example of poorly delivered truthful feedback.

Read anything about Miles Davis, and you learn one simple fact: he was notorious for not telling his bandmates what to play, how to play, when to play, or when to stop playing. Since he gathered talented musicians around himself, he assumed they’d know exactly what to do. He wasn’t open with feedback. As Ashley Kahn wrote of their first musical interaction, “Miles recognised [Coltrane’s talent] at that first rehearsal, but kept his excitement hidden. Coltrane, unaware of his reaction and used to a sideman role, requested direction. Davis responded curtly and discourteously, unnerved that a self-professed jazz player required spoken instruction. ‘My silence and evil looks probably turned him off,’ he admitted later.”

But when he did offer feedback that was more than “silence and evil looks”, he was exceptionally blunt. One day, Davis asked John Coltrane, “Why do you play such long solos?” Coltrane replied, “Because I can’t find a good place to stop.” Davis told him, “You could just take the horn out of your mouth.”

Brutal and poorly delivered.

Feedback that deals with our relationships is our second trigger.

Relationship triggers

This trigger stems from the relationship we have with the person giving the feedback. We may dismiss the feedback based on our perception of the giver’s credibility, motives, or trustworthiness. If it’s someone we know and trust, we become hurt by the feedback.

Example

I asked my then-wife to proofread an essay I wrote comparing Shakespeare’s portrayal of courtly love vs natural love in As You Like It and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It was due in class the next day, and I’d worked hard on it.

She read it and came back with a single note:

“You would be better off turning in a blank piece of paper.”

Gotdamn, that’s harsh, even as I type it out sixteen years later. You can probably guess I didn’t take it well.

Did she have to say it like that? She’s my wife; couldn’t she have been kinder?

Our relationship made me more sensitive to the harshness of the feedback, while our relationship was the reason she felt comfortable enough to express herself that bluntly.

Feedback that affects our identities is our final trigger.

Identity triggers

This is triggered when feedback challenges our sense of self, our values, or our core beliefs. It can lead to strong emotional reactions, as the feedback feels like an attack on our identity.

Example

Before I graduated from San Francisco State University, I attended another higher learning institution. It was an expensive Catholic university, and I tried to pay tuition with a combination of FAFSA, loans, on-campus work study, and off-campus employment.

It worked until right before my junior year, when the university decided it wasn’t working for them. A note was slipped under my dorm room door on a Monday, telling me I needed to call Tyrone and tell him come on and help me get my…Well, I needed to be out on Friday.

In the last motherly act my mother committed, she called the university and raised Hell. The school president called me into his office for a meeting. I don’t remember most of it, but it was essentially a lecture that ended with the phrase, “You don’t belong here.”

I packed my belongings, left the school, shaken. That feedback attacked my identity. It said that I didn’t belong at a prestigious university. I didn’t think about getting my BA for another seven years.

Being triggered by one of these feedback forms isn’t the only reason we receive feedback poorly. We also spent too much energy trying to wrong-spot during feedback sessions.

We wrong-spot during feedback sessions

I don’t like wasting time. I’m sure you don’t either. That’s why we wrong-spot during feedback sessions. We may already be frustrated with having to ask for and listen to feedback. We don’t want to waste time listening to feedback that doesn’t resonate with us.

“We don’t want to take feedback that’s invalid or unhelpful, and so, quite reasonably, we screen for that. We listen to the feedback with this question in mind: ‘What’s wrong with this feedback?’ And as it turns out, we can almost always find something (Thanks for the Feedback).”

The issue with wrong-spotting is that we’re rarely the best judges of ourselves. Something our feedback giver says about us may feel wrong to us, but might be a helpful piece of feedback we should listen to.

“Before we determine whether feedback is right or wrong, we first have to understand it (Thanks for the Feedback).”

In addition to looking for wrong-spotting, we need to make sure feedback doesn’t have vague labels.

Feedback is delivered with vague labels

Here is an example of a vague label: “You’re unprofessional, Jamar.”

You might be right about my professionalism. But how does that piece of feedback help me improve? How does it illuminate the area (or areas) where I lack sufficient professionalism?

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

Vague labels are unhelpful and feel like a personal attack.

Why do we need to accept feedback? Accepting feedback helps us grow personally and professionally…as long as we know how to properly process that feedback.

How Can We Process and Grow from Feedback Effectively?

We need to create a feedback culture around us. What does that look like? A whole lot more feedback than we’re used to receiving. According to Gallup, managers who provide weekly feedback create team members who are:

• 5.2x more likely to strongly agree that they receive meaningful feedback
• 3.2x more likely to strongly agree they are motivated to do outstanding work
• 2.7x more likely to be engaged at work

If feedback works so well, why aren’t we receiving it more from our managers? Because we’re not good at giving feedback, either. “Typical feedback conversations are about as pleasant as a root canal. Managers dread them because it’s often unclear what kind of feedback the employee wants or needs, and employees dread them because even light criticism can feel like an assault on their status and credibility (David Rock, Beth Jones, and Chris Weller, Using neuroscience to make feedback work and feel better).”

This skill deficit undermines a proper feedback culture, which requires both the giver and receiver to feel comfortable in the interaction. Our current feedback culture lacks that comfort, and it’s on us feedback receivers to bridge that gap. How? Well, we first need to set the proper expectations for our feedback givers.

So how do we start building that culture? It starts with us, the receivers.

Set proper expectations

When requesting feedback, we need to set proper expectations with our boss, loved one, mentor, parent, or whomever we’ve asked for feedback. A significant issue with feedback is known as a cross-transaction. This type of misunderstanding occurs when the feedback giver and receiver disagree on the type of feedback and its goal. Without proper expectations, “…wires often get crossed. There are two ways this happens. First, I might want a different type of feedback from the type you gave me—for example, I was looking for appreciation, but you gave me evaluation. Second, you may have intended to give me one kind of feedback, but I interpreted it incorrectly—for example, you sought to give me coaching, but I heard it as evaluation.”

We can combat this issue by setting expectations before any feedback conversation. Prepping our feedback giver about the type of feedback we’re requesting should lead to clarity in the feedback they provide. One way to do this is by telling them what type of feedback you want.

What Are the Different Types of Feedback?

One of the pitfalls in receiving feedback is not clearly communicating to our feedback giver what type of feedback we expect. This happens because many of us don’t know the different types of feedback we should ask for.

Let’s run through the three different types of feedback.

Appreciative feedback

If you’re looking for someone to make you feel good, then you’re searching for appreciative feedback.

Appreciative feedback is the “thank you” from your boss for taking on the extra project. It’s the hug from your significant other for the thoughtful gift you gave them. It’s the written review from a satisfied customer.

“Appreciation motivates us—it gives us a bounce in our step and the energy to redouble our efforts. When people complain that they don’t get enough feedback at work, they often mean that they wonder whether anyone notices or cares how hard they’re working. They don’t want advice. They want appreciation.”

Coaching feedback

If you’re looking for feedback to help you grow as a person or as a professional, you’re looking for coaching feedback.

“Coaching is aimed at trying to help someone learn, grow, or change. The focus is on helping the person improve, whether it involves a skill, an idea, knowledge, a particular practice, or that person’s appearance or personality.”

Evaluative feedback

If you’re looking for an assessment of your performance, then you’re looking for evaluative feedback.

“Evaluation tells you where you stand. It’s an assessment, ranking, or rating. Your middle school report card, your time in the 5k, the blue ribbon awarded your cherry pie, the acceptance of your marriage proposal—these are all evaluations. Your performance review—’outperforms’ or ‘meets expectations’ or ‘needs improvement’—is an evaluation. And so is that nickname your team has for you when you’re not around.”

Once we’re receiving the type of feedback we want, we need to remember to take our time before responding to anything we hear.

Take time before responding

Because feedback can trigger us, we need a few seconds to calm down and assess the feedback given. As the authors of Thanks for the Feedback point out, “We may be wired to learn, but it turns out that learning about ourselves is a whole different ball game. Learning about ourselves can be painful…and the feedback is often delivered with a forehead-slapping lack of awareness for what makes people tick.”

Take a moment, take a breath, take some time before responding to any feedback you receive.

Remember that most people don’t train on how to give feedback. Most times, however, they’re trying to help. Don’t kill the messenger because the message sucked.

Taking a few moments to let the anger pass from any poorly delivered feedback allows us to find the kernels of truth.

Look for kernels of truth, even in poorly delivered feedback

Let’s go back to the feedback my then-wife gave me about my essay: “You would be better off turning in a blank piece of paper.”

After spending time sulking and pouting, I reread the essay and realized she was right. And I realized why she was right: I disliked As You Like It, and that dislike came across in the essay. It was poorly written, hard to read, and I would’ve been better off handing in a blank piece of paper.

Was it rude feedback? Hell yeah. Was there truth in the statement? Hell yeah.

That didn’t make the feedback less valuable.

Look, I’m not telling you to ignore crappy feedback delivery. What I am saying is that sometimes there is value in that feedback, once we strip away the disrespect.

How do we strip away the disrespect? Ask follow-up questions.

Ask follow-up questions

This will help combat vague labels given during feedback sessions.

• You used the word [INSERT WORD HERE] to describe me. Would you mind defining how you’re using that word? I want to make sure we’re on the same page.
• You said you felt that I was [X]. Can you provide a couple of examples to illustrate how you formulated that conclusion?

Once we’re done receiving and clarifying the feedback, we should remember to say thank you.

Say “thank you for the feedback”

I like to say “thank you for the feedback”, even when I want to toss the feedback giver out the front door, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air style. That’s partly why Thanks for the Feedback drew my eye as a resource. Saying “thank you for the feedback” also helps me remember one of the most important facts about feedback:

It takes courage for someone to give honest feedback. “When we ask people to list their most difficult conversations, feedback always comes up…They describe just how tough it is to give honest feedback…The coworker is upset and defensive, and ends up less motivated, not more.”

Create action plans from valid criticism

Bear with me here — this one comes from a tabletop RPG, but the lesson is universal. Thanks to a cat-person telling a paladin, “You’re not letting me do cool rogue shit,” I got to put together an action plan based on received feedback.

I play Dungeons & Dragons with a group of four other friends. When I joined the group, they’d already been playing together for a year. I built a very law-abiding paladin and played him as such. This got in the way of how my friend wanted to play their Tabaxi rogue, thus the “You’re not letting me do cool rogue shit” feedback.

Sure, I could’ve argued that I was being true to my character. That I had the right to play my paladin how I saw fit. Except that D&D is a team game, one where you’re giving birth to a world and its stories with other people. If something my character does makes it harder for another player to use their character to the fullest, I’m playing poorly. I’m ruining their experience.

I had the feedback: now, I needed a plan. Instead of just playing my Paladin as I created him, I looked for ways he could grow out of his fixed mindset. He never tried to steal anything, but he stopped saying “no” to any plan that included thievery.

Have you received any valid criticism lately? Put together an action plan to implement the feedback. You don’t have to change overnight. Your action plan makes sure that you do change, though.

Conclusion

I still hate receiving feedback sometimes.

That probably won’t change. But what has changed is what I do with that hatred. Instead of letting it shut the feedback out entirely, I use it as a signal — a sign that something worth examining just landed in my lap.

Feedback is going to keep coming whether we want it or not. From our bosses, our partners, our friends, the school president who tells us we don’t belong. We don’t get to control how it’s delivered, how it’s worded, or whether the person giving it has any business giving it at all. What we do get to control is what we do next.

We can recognize what’s triggering us. We can look for the kernel of truth instead of the easiest reason to dismiss it. We can ask for the type of feedback we actually need, take a breath before we respond, say thank you even when we don’t mean it yet, and build a plan from whatever’s worth keeping.

And when the feedback isn’t worth keeping? We move on. That’s the whole game. Not enjoying feedback — just getting better at using it. Growth has never required us to be comfortable. It’s only ever required us to stay open.